I have been struggling with the loss of my brother and cannot seem to focus on anything. We were close but not that close but I guess I just always thought he would be there.
I finally come to realize that I would miss my hubby more than I thought I would if he should pass. We have had our ups and downs and a lot more of our share of downs..but as we talked today...we both realize that we sorta count on each other just "being there". As I was thinking about why I miss George so much...I realized it was more that he just was "not there" and I could always use him as a person I could go to when I was stumped on how to do things or family history or I dunno know...a million little things.
Maybe it was the abruptness of his passing? I am just not sure why I feel this huge void.
Believe me..it makes me rethink this whole death/survivor thing. Now it makes me wonder how people cope at all with losing someone they really love and has been a really important part of their life.
Yeah..I lost my mom..who really didn't even like me. And my dad who I miss but didn't like me much more and my sister who ignored me...literally for the last 10 years of her life. I coped with those pretty well...but then..I always had "George" so I guess that is the difference.
I found out too that it has affected my husband as well. He is even rethinking what we mean to each other and how we would cope with the other one gone.
Myself, I know that even with our problems...I rely on him for more than just the mechanical stuff he does. Yup..I would miss that a lot cuz he can fix nearly anything or at least diagnose the problem. But mostly..he is "always there". We both agreed on that today....that being more important...arguments and our personal disagreements are just irritating side things.
Dang...I think this is actually bringing a good thing to our marriage.
Is this grieving? I really have to hand it to people who come out of this and get on with their life. I have more respect for them. Many have lost much more than a brother. Sometimes whole families and sometimes a lifelong soulmate.
I know this is a passing phase but dang....I just had no idea until this death in my life how it can affect one.
I still wonder if it is cuz I feel alone as last member of my family or cuz of my age and how fast life seems to have gone. It leaves me wondering if my time is up soon too and what difference anything makes.
I have found that it is true...one cannot truly understand any situation until we live it. Up to then...we can only use an educated guess as to how it feels. My educated guesses in this matter were grossly underestimated.
Another middle of the night sleeplessness.... but maybe voicing it, first to hubby and now here to the world, I can release the ghost that haunts me.
1 comment:
Oh Pat, if I were a phycologist, I wuold say what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Grief is so different for everyone. Some go on like nothing happened, and others go on until the "work" is over and then allow themselves to grieve. For me, grief comes in waves. I get hit and for a couple of days I am so down and then it subsides until the next one hits. But from expierience, I can tell you the waves begin to come further apart, and each time they are not quite as violent as the last one. I am sure part of what your are feeling is the "I'm alone" factpr after George died. I remember this feeling after my mother died. My father had already passed away many years earlier, but it was strange, but for a while I felt like an orphan. I suppose there is a similar feeling to this with being the only surviving memeber of a family.
I wish I had an instant cure for you but I dont. I think it is good that you and G talked about life without each other and a little came to realize the empty spot there would be without each other. SOOOOOOO cherish G flaws and all.
That is all from the sage Sandi.. (^_^)
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