A special thanks

 A special hug to someone who always has time to give me words of comfort.......

    and makes me feel normal.......

                         even at times I am not.

You know who you are..... (Twinsy)

Just in case

Happy Birthday Mikel...where ever you are. Call so I can tell you I love you.

Maybe if I voice it....

I feel lost. For one of the first times in my life I have a new feeling I cannot describe. Lost without direction is the closest I can come to it. Or perhaps being a lone survivor which does not feel good.

I have been struggling with the loss of my brother and cannot seem to focus on anything. We were close but not that close but I guess I just always thought he would be there.

I finally come to realize that I would miss my hubby more than I thought  I would if he should pass. We have had our ups  and downs and a lot more of our share of downs..but as we talked today...we both realize that we sorta count on each other just "being there". As I was thinking about why I miss George so much...I realized it  was more that he just was "not there" and I could always use him as a person I could go to when I was stumped on how to do things or family history or I dunno know...a million little things.

Maybe it was the abruptness of his passing? I am just not sure why I feel this huge void.

Believe me..it makes me rethink this whole death/survivor thing. Now it makes me wonder how people cope at all with losing someone they  really love and has been a really important part of their life.

Yeah..I lost my mom..who really didn't even like me. And my dad who I miss but didn't like me much more and my sister who ignored me...literally for the last 10 years of her life. I coped with those pretty well...but then..I always had "George"  so I guess that is the difference.

I found out too that it has affected my husband as well. He is even rethinking what we mean to each other and how we would cope with the other one gone.

Myself, I know that even with our problems...I rely on him for more than just the mechanical stuff he does. Yup..I would miss that a lot cuz he can fix nearly anything or at least diagnose the problem. But mostly..he is "always there". We both agreed on that today....that being more important...arguments and our personal disagreements are just irritating side things.

Dang...I think this is actually bringing a good thing to our marriage.

Is this grieving?  I really have to hand it to people who come out of this and get on with their life. I have more respect for them. Many have lost much more than a brother. Sometimes whole families and sometimes a lifelong soulmate.

I know this is a passing phase but dang....I just had no idea until this death in my life how it can affect one.

I still wonder if it is cuz I feel alone as last member of my family or cuz of my age and how fast life seems to have gone. It leaves me wondering if my time is up soon too and what difference anything makes.

I have found that it is true...one cannot truly understand any situation until we live it. Up to then...we can only use an educated guess as to how it feels. My educated guesses in this matter were grossly underestimated.

Another middle of the night sleeplessness.... but maybe voicing it, first to hubby and now here to the world, I can release the ghost that haunts me.

Creative room

I found this on the web today on a picture blog I go to nearly daily. I thought it was fantastic and a great way to make a room feel bigger. Very imaginative and I think every young boy would love it.

Too much "stuff"

With the influx of my brother's "stuff" I m finding I got way too much. As if I didn't in the first place. 

I save the stuff that I "might" need later. Like boxes, jars, plastic containers, bags of all kinds. I even have the old tv tables...just in case. As if we have tons of company...HAHA. Granted, they are wood and they are still nice but we have opted for the lighter and more adjustable Tablemates which we love.  I have way too  many candy dishes and only have one out at a time. Funny how my brother and mom had them too. I have inherited them all!!!! I have gotten rid of a few but......

Now I wonder who I can send them to..hehehehe..any takers?

I am still trying to find room for all his office stuff too. At least I could part with his tons of extension cords ad they are the old style and I am slowly replacing all mine with either 3 prong or the kind that lay flat against the way. I actually found 3 prong which also lays flat against the wall. NICE!

But......I have made a dent in things this morning. I have bagged up tons of jars as well as pitched many. I will take the ones I deem nice with great sealing lids to the senior center crafts people. At least they "might" be able to use them. I bit the bullet and got rid of over a dozen boxes and sorted thru tons of saved seeds. I also pitched out tons of odd sized paper bags. Well..to the recycle box anyway. If I have not used ANY in a long time that I can't even remember...well..time they left.  I only use the largest grocery bags for paper recycling anyway. I do keep the plastic ones gone, except for the big ones. The senior center library uses them for when people take out books or whatever. So many people donate stuff to the center they need a bag and go to the library for one. They know me as the bag lady. SO they are used which makes me feel good about saving them. These seem like little things but gosh..they take up space.


Slowly I have also been weaning down my bookcases and giving books as I read them. I also have been biting the bullet and not going to the library book sales. I will try to take out books from the library after I get done reading the 300 or so I have now stockpiled. LOL.


Pretty ambitious for a Saturday huh? Especially with no sleep ...again. I have no idea why my body has decided it needs only 5 hours of late and then..time to get up. Having to be quiet at 3-6 or 7 until hubby gets  up is not easy.


Sooo..back to stuff. I  just will have to be harder on myself and get rid of more. Everywhere is way too cluttered.  sigh.......